This week has been a strange one.
Not bad.
Actually, in a lot of ways, things are going really well.
I met with my psychologist yesterday, and it was a good session. It gave me a chance to talk, reflect and make sense of where I’m at.
But underneath all of that, there’s something else going on.
I’m tired.
I’m feeling stressed. I’m feeling under pressure. And I can feel that I’ve been pushing myself pretty hard.
As someone with AuDHD, that's something I'm still learning to recognise.
Sometimes I don't notice that I'm approaching overwhelm because I'm still functioning. I'm still getting things done. My brain is still going.
But I'm beginning to realise that being able to keep going doesn't necessarily mean I still have capacity.
I don't always notice when I'm doing too much.
For a long time, I think I associated struggling with things going badly.
If I was overwhelmed, there must be a problem.
If I was exhausted, something must have gone wrong.
If I needed to stop, I must not have been coping.
But I'm starting to realise it doesn't always work like that.
Sometimes the things creating the pressure are actually good things.
Things I'm excited about.
Things that matter to me.
Things I've chosen to do.
And because I care about them, I can keep going far longer than I probably should.
That's where I think I am at the moment.
AuDHD and the problem with momentum -
When I get momentum, stopping is hard.
There’s always one more thing I could finish.
One more idea I could work on.
One more problem I could solve.
And when my brain is engaged and interested, tiredness doesn't necessarily arrive in the way I expect it to.
I can still think.
I can still work.
I can still get things done.
So I assume I still have capacity.
But being able to keep going and actually having capacity left aren't necessarily the same thing.
I'm beginning to understand that difference.
Recognising stress before it becomes overwhelm -
Yesterday's session with my psychologist was helpful because it gave me an opportunity to look at everything from outside the little bubble I've been living in.
I've been doing a lot.
I've been thinking a lot.
And I've been carrying a lot of pressure to keep moving forward.
Sometimes you don't realise how much you're holding until somebody gives you the space to put some of it down.
Nothing dramatic happened yesterday.
There wasn't some huge breakthrough.
It was simply a good conversation that reminded me to pay attention to what my body and brain are telling me.
And right now, they're telling me I'm tired.
Rest isn't only for AuDHD burnout -
This is probably one of the biggest lessons I'm still trying to learn.
I don't need to reach breaking point before I'm allowed to slow down.
I don't need to completely lose capacity before rest becomes justified.
And I don't need something to be wrong before I acknowledge that I'm under pressure.
Maybe that's part of understanding myself better.
Learning to notice the earlier signs.
The stress.
The tiredness.
The shorter fuse.
The feeling that everything needs to happen now.
And instead of ignoring those signs because I'm still functioning, actually listening to them.
So that's where I am this week.
I'm proud of what I've been doing.
I'm excited about where things are heading.
And I'm also tired.
All three of those things can be true at the same time.
This week isn't about stopping everything.
It's about recognising that I can't constantly operate at full speed just because my brain is willing to.
Sometimes looking after myself means noticing the pressure before it becomes overwhelm.
I'm still learning how to do that.
But I'm getting better at noticing.
And maybe, for now, that's enough.